Today’s headline in purgatory:

“Ted Kennedy arrives and faces Mary Jo Kopechne”

She kicks his ass

10. Because oddly enough, Patti is still without a job.

9. The next time he leaves Chicago, might have to actually drive.

8. Hey, who doesn’t want to be Governor, am I right?

7. Just can’t seem to find the perfect look for his resignation speech.

6. Less money on hand = tighter budget for hair products.

5. Will forfeit “Chief Executive” discount at participating Denny’s.

4. Will miss listening to the sound of his own voice on press conference recordings.

3. Although he rarely visits it, the Governor’s Mansion has a bitchin’ hot tub!

2. Will no longer see Lisa Madigan on a regular basis and man, she’s hot!

1. Because orange prison jumpsuits make his butt look big.

IL Rep. Milton Patterson

10. Still disturbed after learning of Oprah’s recent weight gain.

9. He can’t vote against a man with hair rivaling that of the great Dick Clark.

8. That assertiveness training he took last year is working a little “too well”.

7. A unanimous vote might look rigged.

6. Still owes Blago for the victory in the last election.

5. Didn’t want his constituents to think he just follows the crowd.

4. Madigan just never gets his jokes.

3. Because bad publicity is better than no publicity!

2. Was secretly hoping that he might get the call in case Burris chickens out.

1. Because dammit-peaches aren’t in season!

Try serving yourself up an iBeer: